Returning Home

From Marsha A. Hall

From Working To At-Home Mother
We often hear about mothers returning to the workplace after staying home with their children for a few years. Special guest author Marsha Hall shares the story of her transition from working mother to stay-at-home mother.

Failed Expectations and Unexpected Peace

One woman's story of the transition from working out of the home to stay at home motherhood.

by: Marsha Hall

I never even considered staying at home with my daughter. I was educated and informed, and for four years, I didn't think I needed to. My reading revealed that children who attend daycare are as healthy and well-adjusted as children who stay home with a parent. I believed that Jessy's social and academic skills would be stronger. I did my homework and located good day care providers. Jessica consistently affirmed my beliefs.
She was always affectionate but never clingy. She loved her baby-sitter, she loved the other children, she was a happy child. Her mental and physical development was always 2-3 months ahead of the norm.

Routines were established, and I told friends and family how Jessy enjoyed having "her own little life". I marveled at the day care providers, wondering how they could spend fourteen hours a day or more surrounded by children. I enjoyed my nine hours of adult conversation and intellectual stimulation.

Something was missing and I didn't know what it was. I told myself that I had an easy and affectionate relationship with my daughter, that I was a better mother when I was working because I could compartmentalize my life and be truly present for my child when I was at home. The truth is, I wasn't.

Every weekday I arrived home at nearly 6:00 p.m. I made dinner, we ate, Jessy took a bath. Every night I read two stories to her, not always because I wanted to, but because I felt I had to in order to justify the nine hours I had spent away from her that day. I adore my daughter, but some nights I was just too tired and distracted. I tried to make it up on the weekend, but on Saturdays I did laundry, grocery shopping, paid bills, and cleaned the house. I usually collapsed sometime after 8:00 p.m. On Sundays I tried to do something fun with Jessy, but I never lost the feeling that I was compensating for the rest of the week, and that put a damper on the activities.

Last year, my husband and I decided that I would quit work and stay home with our daughter. She starts school in the Fall and I really wanted that last year. We had financial concerns, but when we wrote out a budget we realized that the cash flow difference could be overcome.
To Stay-at-Home Mom

I really had to talk myself into it. I did draw a good deal of my self-esteem from working. It was a place where I felt needed, competent, and in control. It was difficult to break away. I worried that I would become isolated and depressed. But the desire to know what it was that I felt was missing in my relationship with my daughter was stronger than my fear and we did it.

I had several preconceived notions about life at home. Not one of these has revealed itself as truth.

I believed that the housework would be a snap. After all, I had seven days to do what I formerly accomplished in one day. My husband would come home every afternoon to our tidy and polished corner of the world. What I failed to consider is that my daughter and I were home to create a mess. I also failed to realize how differently I would feel about the standard of cleanliness in my house.
When I was working I cleaned on Saturdays and expected a natural progression of clutter and buildup of dust. Now I have transferred the guilt I used to reserve for my family to the appearance of the home. I feel that care of the household is my contribution to our family work and if my husband does more than throw a uniform into the washer, then I am not doing my job.

I thought I would have all of this time on my hands. I would create a home environment which was educational, enlightening, and enjoyable. I planned lessons and made time for teaching my child the basics of Math, Spanish, Science, and Social Studies. I would develop in Jessy a passion for culture and the arts and raise her social awareness. I planned to keep the vegetable garden in year round operation and we would beautify our yard with flower beds and rose bushes. I thought we would be frequent visitors to local playgrounds and the beach since I had so much time on my hands. I had no clue.

I tried to implement my plan of action as if it were a project, but Jessica was easily distracted, clearly not interested, and the sessions usually deteriorated until I was frustrated enough to quit. I couldn't understand what I was doing wrong and I am still trying to fully understand it. I do know that I was still trying to make up for time lost. By planning thirty minutes to an hour of what I considered to be quality time well spent, I was still following my old pattern of squeezing it in when I could. I forgot the definition of quality time-- being fully present for your child during any length of time while participating in an activity or conversation which the child finds enjoyable. I was trying to force my needs and my dreams into a space that I told myself was for the benefit of my child.

This transition hasn't been easy. It has taken some time for both of us to adjust. The most painful insight I have had is that even though Jessy has always seemed to be happy and secure, she didn't trust me in this. She didn't believe me when I told her I would be home with her for a long, long time. I realized that after spending her days in child care, she didn't believe I could really stay home. In her memory, I hadn't ever been home with her for more than two weeks and she seemed to view this new development as an extended vacation. She also wanted to use this time to extract as much of my attention, good or bad, as she could before she returned to real life.

Gardening has proven to be the hobby that Jessy and I truly enjoy together. I can pull weeds by the hour while she digs into the soil, pulling from it every creepy crawly she can find, house, and feed. I love watching her lay out a pound of grass for the culinary delight of a quarter inch roly poly. Jessy loves to plant the seeds herself. Seeing a sprout come up for the first time through the eyes of your child is a pleasure not enough of us have known. The down side is that it's hard for me to find time to spend in the garden and lately Murphy's Law seems to dictate that when I have the time, El Nino is rearing its ugly head. By the time I get home and outdoors again, I have to repeat tasks and as a result, the garden I envision is still little more than a dream.

I had many plans and good intentions, so many ideas about how this would be. It hasn't worked out that way at all. I have discovered the answer to the question that led me down this path. What was missing? Me. I was missing. I was well meaning but self serving. In this experience I have not only formed a deeper and more honest relationship with my daughter, but I have touched that part of me that is not the face I put on when I go to work, or when I interact with others. Incredibly- I like her. I have given up the desire to be seen as the woman who has it all together and gained the knowledge that I really do have it all.